Real Advice from Real Bronettes for All You Bros Out There
I am not a fitness chick. I’m a short, white man. I know, what a misleading headline. But I did happen to marry a beautiful, Russian, personal trainer who is the quintessential fitness chick.
She meticulously watches her nutrition, owns too many leggings and sneakers to count, and takes a quarter of her free-time posing for Instagram photos. Something a bro can only dream of.
So, I asked her, and her group of friends, to give us bros some advice about what truly attracts and deters a fitness lioness. Well, I don’t have the skills or knowledge to make a National Geographic nature documentary, but I figured I’d share some advice with you to keep your gym game strong.
*Note: These are actual quotes. I’m not making this sh*t up.
“Sounds that men make at the gym can’t be unheard, even if you turn your music all the way up. When you can hear him screaming from the other side of the gym, like he is having a newborn or getting raped by his trainer, it makes you feel very uncomfortable.”
That’s right fellas; your primal grunt to push out that last rep is a deal-breaker for the ladies.
“I love watching people who do not understand what they are doing in the gym. While women who are new to the gym quietly working on hip adductors in the corner, men are in the center, showing off new exercises to the world that he just created.
The best equipment for that is the cable machine. How many useless movements can you do with that, right?”
That new “one-arm cable-row-to-lunge” that you saw on Instagram—yeah—you’re probably doing it wrong and you look like an idiot. Just stick to the basics.
“The facial expressions while guys are lifting; that makes me want to laugh so much. From my eyes, it looks like you are having open-heart surgery without anesthesia.”
Alright, I know no one looks attractive lifting weights, but changing your facial expressions to show exertion is a little unnecessary.
“The most horrible thing a man can wear to the gym is short shorts, even if he has a perfectly built body. I don’t find it attractive if his balls are about to touch the floor during a deep squat.”
Just because you want to check out the separation of your quads in between sets doesn’t mean the ladies want to. Get some knee length shorts or for people like me, with no calves, just stick to your sweatpants.
Gym Gear continued…
“Sleeveless shirts only look good on muscular bodies. If you are too skinny or your muscles are barely developed, that’s not your style.”
To all my bros out there, muscle shirts are exactly that — for muscles. I know you complain about women all the time, saying “Why do girls with no ass wear leggings?” Well, pretty much the same reason men with no arms where sleeveless shirts.
“Nobody looks appropriate shirtless as at the gym. When I see man’s shirtless muscles indoors, it makes me want to vomit, no matter how good does he looks.”
I think this is self-explanatory, and as a man, I don’t want to use your bench after you just drenched it in sweat.
“I guess the rule is the same for men as for women. You just have to look proportional and have a low percentage of body fat. Everybody sees those guys who hit leg day once in blue moon, it looks horrible.
Men love working ONLY on their upper body, which makes them look comical, like you’re not sure if his legs are able to carry his chest.”
Bros don’t let bros skip leg day. Spread the word.
“Abs is a must have. Every man who thinks he is serious about the gym needs to have them. And guys are so naïve thinking that the chest is the most important muscle to work on. Glutes! Girls like a nice firm butt.
There is nothing worse than seeing a guy in jeans that look like parachutes. It feels safe behind your man’s back when it’s big and broad, too. V-shaped obliques and a firm butt, that’s the man of any girl’s dreams.”
There are plenty of articles on surveys on the internet to back this up. They are usually filled with bullsh*t analysis, so here is a quick summary of the top 5 body parts women find attractive in men.
Easy as that. Curls are not for the girls.
This all being said, girls don’t want a bro who is all muscles and no brain. They like confidence, but not to the point of being a douche. Smile occasionally and just be yourself, but keep in mind these fitness chick’s advice.