Do you like plump butts? What about pictures of average looking food posted with a weird bluish photo filter?
Do basic white girls covered in pumpkin spice get your motor going?
If you said yes to any of these then you might be interested in dating an Internet fitness chick. (With the exception of plump butts.
Everyone likes those regardless of fitness level, unless you are a commie bastard.) But before you go down the road of dating a fame whore in the making, there are a few downsides you should know about.
Hint: I already named two of the entries above.
Let’s get basic!
DISCLAIMER: I am quite aware that the following entries do not represent all, or even most, online fitness girls.
This applies for the few that are the attention seeking type.
Don’t get your man panties all in a wad.
Talking to you male feminist whom I find very weird.
Also, this can be directly applied to the online male fitness goers out there.
I’m sure the fitness guys on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, YouTube, and whatever else they’re on can be just as bad if not worse than the women.
1. Dinner and a picture.
You can’t possibly take an avid Instagram using fitness girl out to eat and not expect her to take numerous, weirdly angled pictures of her burrito. That’s like finding the fountain of youth and saying, “Eh, people won’t want to see this,” and going about your day.
How will the world know what a fucking burrito looks like if it’s not posted on instagram with a warm photo filter and 50 hashtags telling you it’s #veganprotein and #healthy and #postworkoutmeal and #cockflavored and #bulking and #carbs and who gives a flying giraffe fornication because only other basic bitches read all of those shitty hashtags.
Why is this even a trend? Why is it that only hack comedians call out this dumb shit while the rest of us just silently agree?
How about this, take a picture of what happens a few hours after eating that giant burrito. You will probably get more, albeit much creepier, followers that way.
Or you could just eat your dinner and converse with your significant other without hovering over your food, camera in hand like a lunatic.
2. Skanky pictures.
Well if you knew she was a online fitness chick before dating her you are a dumbass for getting upset when she post daily pics of her squat booty and yoga pants cameltoe.
After all, those pictures are probably one of the main reasons you started fuc… dating her in the first place. It all changes once you two are a couple though.
You see all the dudes liking her half nude pics and quickly realize that statistically speaking, at least 3 out of every 10 of those guys are polishing the ol’ walrus tusk to her.
Now jealousy and resentment replace the previous love boner you had for her. If you make her stop posting those pics she will probably end up face down ass up on a certain “casting couch.”
If you just let it go you will probably end up being pissed at her more often than not from jealousy, ruining the relationship anyway.
Unless you are cool with her being nearly naked all over the Internet that is. In that case more power to you.
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3. Addicted to social media.
You know what really chaps my fanny, going out on a hot date with the finest hooker 12 dollars can buy and finding out she’s a shemale… are you still paying attention?
Good. No what really pisses me off is going out with a girl and expecting a good time, only to have your date constantly be on her phone. She’s so busy checking on her likes and seeing what the veiniest dick pic she got on snapchat is that she might as well not even be there.
A lot of these Instagram fitness chicks are obsessed with checking all of their social media accounts. She’s got to make sure @picklelickerfitness didn’t post a better gym selfie than her. Has to watch how many comments her post workout shake picture gets.
Has to find the perfect juice recipe to post to her followers on twitter. It never ends.
If you find yourself in one of these situations, I have a great plan for you. Let’s say, you are on a date at a frozen yogurt shop.
You two are sitting there eating delightful frozen treats and you are talking away.
You soon realize she is not listening because she is too busy taking pics of her yogurt so she can post it to her devoted followers who certainly follow her for these pics and not the ones of her squatting in shorty shorts. Anyway, she’s not paying attention and you are pissed.
Here’s the move. Unzip your fly, pull exactly one testicle out, and just let it dangle. Walk over to her and pretend you are interested in seeing her picture.
Stand very close. Single ball just hanging there. Inches away from her face. Does she notice? Will she like it or call the cops? Either way just see what happens.
At least she will be paying attention to you. (If other people are in the shop it’s probably a bad idea to do this. Also, It’s just a bad idea in general to do this.
Don’t actually ever do this. But if you do and it makes the national news, I won’t be mad at you.)
4. Too much male attention.
Of course this one was going to come up. Granted, a lot of the jealousy you may feel towards a female who gets a lot of male attention is actually your own insecurities outwardly and negatively manifesting themselves. It’s still not cool though.
Most guys don’t want to date a woman who doesn’t shy away from or even likes attention from other men. Obviously if a girl is posting sexy pictures online, even after she is dating someone. she either doesn’t respect the feelings of her partner (assuming the partner has a problem with it.) or she has real self esteem issues.
If you give this kind of girl all of the attention you can and she still goes out and seeks it from other males, you are probably better off without her.
I imagine these kinds of girls are better off with the Instagram man whores.
5. The sex might suck.
This can go right along with pretty girls in general but the more attractive a person is, the more there is a chance that they aren’t that good in bed.
An uglier chick has to try harder. Simple as that. When you have a girl who is extremely popular on multiple platforms her ego can get the best of her.
She knows she can have all of these men if she wanted so what’s the incentive for her to please someone else? There’s always a backup guy.
There is the chance she ends up with a guy she really likes and wants to make happy, but there’s also the chance she just wants a quick spitshine without returning the favor because she’s too hot to do degrading things like that.
Oddly enough these kinds of women often go into porn.
There’s a good reason for that.
6. Money hungry.
There’s a large percentage of fitness chicks who simply do all of this stuff for the money. The more followers they get, the more ads get posted to their sites, the more invested they will become.
This can go for their personal lives too. A woman who wants to always be pampered and taken care of gets real old, real quick.
Don’t get me wrong, you should always take care of your lady, but it should be a two way street.
The bitch shouldn’t bleed you dry and leave you naked and battered in the street like a hobo after a four day meth bender.
She also shouldn’t use sex as a means to get what she wants from you.
And most importantly, you shouldn’t be the idiot who falls for a pretty face and tight body even though personality and chemistry are lacking.
Beauty isn’t everything and at some point you will be too old to put up with the online popularity shit.
The main lesson to learn from this is, it’s not bad to date an online fitness chick. You just have to be selective and smart about it.
Don’t be hypnotized by the squat booty. Don’t put up with being treated like shit because she’s a ten. Worst comes to worst, just hit it and quit it if that’s all you really want in the first place.
If you are interested in making a fitness chick a girlfriend though, make sure she’s into fitness for the right reasons. It’s fine if she uses social media to reach out and motivate others, motivate herself, and share her progress.
It’s not fine if she just does it for attention and to make herself feel worthwhile. That’s almost a mental illness. You want a girl who loves herself and wants to be fit for the sake of being healthy. That is what’s most important.
You need three things as the foundation for a great relationship. Health, love, and respect. Don’t waste your time on people who care more about the opinions of strangers than their significant others.
Finally, find a chick who doesn’t get upset by a random testicle publicly bouncing in the breeze.
That kind of woman is a keeper.